Punxsutawney Phil To Lose Job Too?

After quite some time on this planet what I’ve learned is that everything is replaceable.

My rawhides? Replaced by Greenies.

Those Greenies? Replaced by 100% natural dog biscuits.

And those dog biscuits? Replaced by a whole lotta nothing.

Apparently I’m a fat tub of goo according to my parents, and the vet’s scale. But hey, at least nobody is talking about replacing me. Read more

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• the laughing bear always drives a motorcycle (into the meowing dog)

Dirtbike Riding Dog

I’m sure you’ve all heard the joke, “What’s the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?” The answer of course is the location of the dirtbag.

Don’t get me wrong I’m pro Harley, and motorcycles in general, but if I have an opportunity to recycle a joke then, by golly, I’m going to do it.

My mother on the other hand is not a fan of motorized cycles of the two wheel variety. I know she’s forbidden my father to get one. It’s not because of safety concerns, but rather the fear he’d ride around town side saddle.

I’m with her. Can you imagine if he wanted to take me along for a ride? Not only would the dogs in town be woofing in laughter at me, but a chorus of cat meow snickering would surely follow! Read more

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Ape Gun Control

Where on this great earth of ours could King Kong’s descendant survive an attack from an army of zoo workers carrying guns and tranquilizing darts? If you said Skull Island you’re right, but you’re also living in a fantasy world.

Those living in the real world know the only logical place would be Japan, and sure enough, that’s where the latest ape-human drama played out.

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Otter Hates Parents, Dreams of Living Alone

I was outside yesterday when I heard a ruckus from down the road. It was my neighbor and her son. She was having a screaming match about what a lazy slug he was.

I know the feeling.

Even at my advanced age I get into screaming matches with my parents. It’s always “Bo No!” this, and “Bo No!” that. They don’t give me any space. So of course I bark back. Not immediately mind you, but when they’re comfortable on the couch or sleeping in their bed. I love hearing the old man yell, “Bo, shut up!”

It’s almost better than a treat. Almost. Read more

Goat Likes the Ladies

Everyone’s heard about goats. Sometimes they’re wild, sometimes they’re all horned up and sometimes a bit of both.

I’ve tried goat cheese, goat kabobs and I’ve even tried wearing a goat-tee but the only goat I’ve ever really liked was Billy.

I remember meeting him many years ago at a wilderness park. He was in the distance eating grass, and his owner’s laundry. Billy didn’t seem any different to me than a sheep, other than the fact he didn’t follow the crowd blindly.

He was wild. He was hungry. He was horny.

What wasn’t to like? Read more

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Bronson Tougher Than Charles

OK, I admit it. I’m scared of snakes.

That’s right, your fuzzy hero has a fear of the slinky kind. Maybe it’s because I remember the day, when I was a mere pup, when a snake crawled into our den to vie for my mother’s nipple. When I attempted to push it away, it bit me. Needless to say I thrashed it to death. However, the mark on my psyche lives on to this day.

Some may think I made that story up and the real reason I’m afraid of snakes is because I’m a girlie dog. Well you can’t prove it can you.

Anyway, I, a macho dog, still run in the opposite direction of any snake that crosses my path due to this puphood incident. Not only is this a good idea, it should be a law. Read more

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Pachyderms Love Nice Buns

Humans think they are so superior, don’t they?

Ever notice how they like to command you to do things? Sit…stay…come…no…No…NO!

Do they really think we’re going to comply if it isn’t in our best interest?

If I want food, I whine. If I want to be petted, I raise my paw and expose my belly. If I want to run free, I slip my leash. It’s my agenda we’re following not theirs.

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Cowabunga Dude

I like cows.

Especially covered in cheese, ketchup and in between two buns (hey, I’ll be here all week folks!).

Well, it turns out cows can be quite menacing. Really.

I’m not just talking about those heifers defacing local billboards, but real moo moos. The kind that hang loose in open fields chewing their cud, and the creators of tournament quality cow chips.

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Fat Cat is Really a Fat Pig

Rigitoni? Linguine? Fettuccine?

No thanks. If I’m going to partake in the heaven known as pasta, I’m going to select one that says something about me. That’s right, when dining on Italian cuisine, I opt for pasta number 9…better known as Angel Hair pasta.

Let’s be honest, not only do I have an angelic disposition, but my long strands of fur are to die for!

I like my dish with a little clam, hamster or squirrel sauce on top. Over all these years, the only thing that’s changed is rather than having it cooked al dante I now prefer my pasta cooked to a gooey mush. Simple reason, really. Much like Michael Scott, I’ve developed soft teeth.

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This Really Gets My Goat

My father and I were out driving around last week when we came upon a strange sight.

By the side of the road, a green statue with a large headpiece waved at us. It was lady liberty, she was alive  and much smaller than I expected her to be.  A few blocks up the road and there was Uncle Sam urging us to beep our horn. Not a mile later Raggedy Ann was waving us into the local furniture store’s parking lot.

What is this phenomenon that is going on?

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