Dog Tip: How to Lose 20-Pounds Quickly
March 30 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet
How can my old man lose 40 lbs of ugly fat really fast?
By cutting off his head.
How does my neighbor Dino, a dachshund, lose 20 lbs of ugly fat really fast?
By divorcing his chihuahua wife.
Hahaha…I got loads of ‘em folks and I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. Try the veal. You’ve been a great audience goodnight everydog.
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Hang Ten, Spot
March 25 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet
My old man was away for the past week. He tells me he was golfing. Most every dog I know that’s seen him play says that’s a generous term considering the way he hacks it up on a golf course.
I wonder if it’s too late to teach him a new trick.
I say this because humans are always keen on forcing us pups to try new things. Just last month I was tasked with learning a new trick; trying to pass my mother’s new recipe for “Chicken Surprise!” dinner through my innards.
Well it should have come as no shock that I created my own dish, “Diarrhea Surprise!”, on the bedroom floor.
Don’t Poo Poo DNA Evidence
March 19 | 1 Comment
I remember the good old days when the only thing watching me was my parents, and then only for a moment or two.
You see, they’d lose interest quickly after letting me outside to do my business in the fenced in yard. I always helped my cause by laying down after my initial burst of energy. Of course I was faking being tired since there was exploring to do.
After enough time had lapsed, I’d head to the fence at the back of the property and dig out underneath it. Just like that, I’d be free to roam the streets of suburbia for the day. Good times, my friends, good times.
Those days of going ‘freestyle’ are quickly coming to an end, not only for me, but for everyone. We now have cameras monitoring our every move, gps tracking collars around our necks and bodies embedded with microchips.
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Dog Bowl Provides Home with Warm Glow
March 18 | 4 Comments
They say all reporters have biases as they go out into the world and report on the goings on.
Some are able to recognize them and adjust for them accordingly. Others are less reflective and let their full biases into their finished product. These folks are usually called hacks.
I mention this because I suspect there may be a hidden agenda to a report I read this morning regarding a fire in Seattle. The Seattle Times has all the details.
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Tree Climbing Dog Forgets “Down” Command
March 17 | 2 Comments
Focus. It’s not just a car made by Ford.
It’s a skill that allows some to be better than others.
We’ve all experienced moments of intense concentration, where both time and space cease to exist. For me this mostly happens when there’s a beef stroganoff frozen dinner being cooked.
For others, this zen-like state is brought on by the thrill of a hunt. Read more
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Porky Wants You Off His Back
March 16 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet
Ever been to a rodeo? OK, probably not.
Have you ever seen a rodeo on TV? You have!
Well, have you ever seen a horse race? Me too!
Is it just me that wonders why one sport has huge humans riding food while the other has one hundred and five pound satin wearing porcelain dolls riding glue?
Hide the Kids, Owl on the Prowl
March 12 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet
Ruhh Rowww.
Tell me this wouldn’t suck. You’re chowing down on a particularly tasty tree limb, perfectly aged, perfectly tender when out of the blue you feel the talons of a big bird grip your head and pull you off the ground.
Before you know it, you’re cruising through your neighborhood with a Google mapesque, bird’s eye view. The only thing missing are the street names. The unenjoyable part? A claw, with a hangnail, puncturing the hide behind your noggin.
Soon enough you’ll be dropped off into a bed of pine needles, sky high in a tree. Getting down from there is going to be a bitch. But you know not every day is going to be a cat chase.
Loose Monkey Outsmarts Humans
March 10 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet
As regular readers know, I’m an escape artist.
The technique I now employ differs from what I used as a puppy. These days I walk to the back of the yard to a spot outside of my parents’ view, and dig under the fence. My paw claw takes two or three strokes, then stops. I look around and make sure I’m not noticed, then continue on if appropriate. After the hole is sufficiently deep, I’ll gnaw off the bottom of the fence post so as not to scratch my back on the way to freedom.
This process may take a day or two since getting caught means my work was for naught. Patience is what I preach. Well, when planning an escape anyway.
City Squatters Forced Out
March 9 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet
The big apple. New York City.
I drove through it once, with my parents, on the way to Georgia. It had lots of buildings, lots of big squirrels with thin tails and lots of pigeon poop.
Outside of the abundance of fire hydrants, I didn’t get the attraction to the place. But to each his own.
Like a bunch of chickens who’ve been hanging out in the city for the better part of twenty years. Yeah they got small brains, but what’s kept them there? A rooster pimp is all I can come up with.
Squirrels Live on Coconut Grove
March 8 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet
I’ve got a lovely pair of coconuts. Or should I say, I used to. Speaking of coconuts, let’s talk fruits and the best kind. Personally I like apples. My old man hand feeds me nicely sliced wedges. Apple cores need not apply. I think my father likes the way I chew them because he laughs while I eat. I just wish he’d let me dunk it in the caramel dip once in a while. Watermelon. I love watermelon. I get my supply of the watery goodness in the summer when it’s abundant, and cheap. It’s delivered rindless, cubed and seedless. That last part is important because my mother hates cleaning up the seeds I’ve spit out on the living room floor. She’s always careful about reading the label on melons. My father likes checking out melons too, but that’s an entirely different story. Read more
