I dabble in an impressionist style, but rather than using vibrant colors, I enjoy the use of an earth tone pallete instead. You could say I favor the color brown above all.

Sometimes my canvas is filled with heavy, oil painting type strokes. Other times it’s like a light watercolor coating. Regardless, the end result is a masterpiece worthy of the Louvre.

Inexplicably, my mother is not a fan of my painting. The subject matter is highly entertaining ranging from stick figures, to bigger stick figures to paw prints. Doesn’t matter, she hates my work.

That’s probably because my canvas is the floor, the carpet or the bed; and my paints are the Georgia red clay, thunderstorm puddles and best of all, the family poo from the back yard.

I am misunderstood. Alas, such is the life of an artist.

But hey, at least I don’t live in China. Check out this story of dog painting gone bad in the world’s most populous country.

The painted dogs in question were on display in Zhengzhou, in eastern China’s Henan Province, at what appears to have been a veritable festival of dog painting.

As well as the tiger-dog, there were a number of rather adorable fluffy panda-dogs being shown to the crowd.

Panda-dogs will be familiar to the long-term readers of this site, as one of their kind has featured before. We’ve also covered the extreme transformations that take place in America, in which dogs are not merely transformed into turtles, but into mutant ninja turtles.

Exactly why people are so keen on the trans-species decoration of their dogs is not especially clear, but the effort is appreciated. Except, perhaps, by the dogs.

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No, I mean it. She lights candles in every room of the house, presumably for the smell. She must be heavily invested in Yankee Candle stock.

One thing’s for sure, she doesn’t light them to get my old man in a romantic mood. Heck, to him a night of romance is eating a rack of bbq ribs, watching Dumb and Dumber, and farting under the covers.

His repertoire lacks lit candles. You’ll find nothing flickering in the bedroom, or  around the bath tub, or in between my bowl of water and kibble. I guess it’s just not in his DNA to create a loving mood.

I’ll tell you this, if my mother ever wants to get me in the right mood, she just has to light a candle like the one in this MyFox Atlanta story.

White Castle, which markets itself as America’s first burger chain, sold out of its slider-scented charity candles online just two days after posting them, it emerged Friday.

The cult-favorite fast food joint still had some of its “steam-grilled-on-a-bed-of-onions-scented candles” available in-store, but supplies of the beefy delights are going fast. The candle features the chain’s logo and is designed to resemble the signature cardboard sleeve of White Castle’s burgers.

“It’s the ultimate gift for Castle lovers everywhere,” Jamie Richardson, vice president of corporate relations, said of the $10 candles.

“White Castle fans from around the country have responded so enthusiastically that our online inventory sold out in record time. Best of all, net proceeds from all candle sales will be donated to Autism Speaks.”

White Castle teamed up with the “queen of home fragrances” Laura Slatkin, founder of Nest Fragrances, to develop the candle. Slatkin sits on the board of Autism Speaks.

“When I think of truly superior aromas, I think of the aroma of a freshly-grilled White Castle hamburger — life just doesn’t get better than that,” Slatkin said. “We have captured that exact essence in our White Castle candle.”

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At my age, I prefer the comforts of a soft bed and a body fitting pillow over a death dash with local traffic.

Let’s be honest, if I were in a hostage situation (ahem…Dog Day Afternoon, anyone?), I’d be released first, before the women and children. I guess that’s just the nature of growing old.

An old dog can learn new tricks, it’s just that he (me!) doesn’t want to.

Really, I can’t be bothered to be out there in the real world, trying new things.

For me, there’s no need to find a unique place to go planking. Nope. I have no desire to sit owling in public. Heck I don’t even have an ounce of motivation to use wet wipes instead of regular toilet paper after a good dump.

But for every one of me, there’s another, more active dog out there. Just like this pug forced to jump out of a plane at the ripe old age of 70.

Three, two, one – woofee-doo! Meet Otis the skydiving pug, who loves to get airborne with his his thrill-seeking owner Will DaSilva.

The ten-year-old pooch is quite the veteran when it comes to jumping from planes.

The latest pictures see him posing, with ‘doggles‘ and all, during his 64th tandem skydive.

Strapped into his custom-made harness, Otis will sit patiently on the lap of owner Will as their plane climbs toward altitude, but when the jumping light goes on he tucks in underneath and stretches his paws out like a bird.

His first jump was a quick five-second 3,000ft ‘hop and pop’ to see if he liked the experience and ever since then he’s been licking his lips at the prospect of getting up in the air.

‘He’s totally aware of what’s happening when he free falls and just like a first-time jumper he gets all excited about it and gets nervous at the door.

‘Once he’s out though he’s just having a ball like a dog with its head out of the car window.’

Will claims that despite the danger of skydiving Otis’ main concerns are his unhealthy eating habits, with his nickname being ‘Hoover’.'He’s (probably) going to die of a food overdose, not from sky-diving,’ he said

Don’t give me any grief about the misleading title. Technically it’s true.

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I strive to create something wonderful and special every day, and no, I’m not talking about the words I type on this blog. Granted, it’s prose Shakespeare would be proud of, but it’s really my second calling.

My first calling? Sculpting.

To be more precise, forming my poo into works of art.

On days where I don’t feel inspired, I’ll usually create my mass market favorite, The Dairy Queen Swirl. On other days I might create The Coffee Log or The Snake or my favorite, The Splatter.

I know they’re good. Why else would my mother pick them up and save them in little plastic bags?

I know I could do better marketing my creations so more people could take in and enjoy work. If only there were a way to get greater exposure.

Well, I think a guy named Pooperman found a way to do just that.

Members of Reddich Borough Council have decided enough is enough and introduced a new scheme intended to highlight the extent of the foul-smelling problem in the town.

Between now and October, members of the council will be patrolling the streets spraying any dog poo they find orange in the hope that it will help people steer clear and will draw attention to the issue.

Their efforts don’t quite go as far as one man’s in Lincoln, however, who became so annoyed with the dog mess problem in his area that he took matters into his own hands.

Pooperman – as he became known – went around pinning notes to dog poo located on the path between Boultham Park Road and the St Catherines area of the city, warning owners to clean up after their pets.

Lincoln City Council were not impressed with his efforts, however, and said he was actually contributing to the litter problem in the area.

Rather than taking a hands-on approach, the government recommends that people who find dog mess which has not been cleaned up report it to the local council.

 

His bowl, his hydrant and his heroes.

Before you get any ideas about who falls into the latter category, rest assured few, if any humans reside there. It is strictly reserved for the likes of Rin-Tin-Tin, Cujo and Scooby Doo.

Yeah that’s right, Scooby Freakin’ Doo.

That hound had more guts than a slaughter house on a Friday afternoon. Doo stared fear in the eye until it blinked. There was no ghost he wouldn’t chase, and if it wasn’t for his stoner buddy Shaggy holding him back, there’s no telling what he could have accomplished. World peace was within reach.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. How else to explain the Scooby statues to memorialize his life…and thieves that see the value in having one for there very own.

A gang of thieves met their match after trying to steal a 36-stone statue of Scooby Doo – because they couldn’t lift it onto a getaway truck.

The hapless crooks wheeled the concrete dog 500 yards up the road after swiping it from the front garden of a bungalow in Studd Hill, Herne Bay.

But they fled the scene after the sculpture – which weighs more than two baby elephants – proved too heavy to lift onto the waiting flatbed lorry.

The statue’s owner Diana Dooner, of Vauxhall Avenue, was woken the next morning by a neighbour who found it dumped in Daimler Avenue.

She said: “I couldn’t believe it when she told me Scooby was 500 yards up the road. I was in bed so didn’t have a clue what had gone on.

“She said she saw four men wheel the dog up to this flat-bed truck, but they couldn’t lift him onto it. Eventually they ended up dropping him and broke the concrete base. It was then they decided enough was enough and drove off.

Faced with the task of getting the statue home, Diana called on the help of builders working opposite, who strapped it to a three-ton digger.

“They tied him to it and trundled down the road with him strapped to the front. Everyone was coming out of their houses and having a look. I was so grateful because I have no idea how I would have got it back otherwise.”Driving instructor Diana bought the statue for £450 from an antiques store in Wingham 11 years ago.

Not that everything always has to be about me, but it makes me wonder how heavy my statue will be.

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That was the reason I wrote my book, the national best seller Bad to the Bone: Memoir of a Rebel Doggie Blogger. By putting paw to keyboard to computer screen, I was able to secure my place in history. Of course this presumes the Library of Congress doesn’t shut down like so many of our local libraries.

There are other, less taxing ways to stay in the hearts and minds of people the world over. Think about Rin-Tin-Tin, Lassie and of course Cujo. They’re all celluloid heroes, not to be confused by Kirsty Alley, a cellulite hero.

A dog can take the next step to immortality by having his owners stuff him. Not with good stuff like chicken, beef or chipmunk meat, but with whatever it is taxidermists use.

That’s how Owney the postal dog has stayed in the forefront. UPI has his story.

WASHINGTON, July 25 (UPI) — The National Postal Museum in Washington said the stuffed remains of Owney the dog, a postal icon since 1888, received a makeover to coincide with his stamp.

The museum said Owney, whose image graces a “Forever” stamp due to be released Wednesday, received was fixed up in June by retired Smithsonian taxidermist Paul Rhymer and is returning to display at the postal museum, The Washington Post reported Monday.

“My restoration got it back about halfway to what it should have looked like,” Rhymer said. “We decided to try to make him look a little better, a little more realistic.”

Rhymer said his work included replacing Owney’s eyes, patching bald spots on his fur and sculpting a new snout.

Owney the dog became famous after he wandered into a post office in Albany, N.Y., in 1888 and spent the night on a pile of mailbags. He traveled the country with the Railway Post Office until he was shot by a Toledo, Ohio, town marshal in 1897 after reportedly attacking a mail clerk.

But rather than bury their much-loved mascot, the mail clerks pulled together the money to have him preserved by a taxidermist. He was displayed at the Post Office Department’s headquarters in Washington until 1911, when he was transferred to the Smithsonian.

“This dog, he’s that indefatigable character that can throw you back into history,” said Linda Edquist, a conservator at the National Postal Museum. “It’s a great way to connect people to the 1890s.”

In light of the current economic climate, how long before the Post Office lays Owney off?

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So what is the cause of my dilemma?

Dog nose jewelery.

That’s right, jewelery made from the impression of a faithful companion’s nose. Make a belt buckle, a necklace or if you’re Dumbo, earrings.

Humans will be the hit of all the red carpet galas attended by the likes of Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and Paris Hilton‘s Tinkerbell.

Sure you’ll hear comments like, “Does this belt buckle make my nose look fat?” or “That nose has had some work done on it, if you know what I mean”, but that’s the price of chasing balls in the big leagues.

I know I’m going to “impress” upon my parents how cool this is. Here are the details as told by The Metro.

Jewellery designer Jackie Kaufman has sniffed out a niche in the market – by using the noses of pet cats and dogs to make pieces.

Proud owners can have rings, necklaces and even belt buckles made from moulds of their pet’s nose or paws.

She had previously used people’s fingerprints to create unique pieces of jewellery but turned to animals following a request from a woman whose dog was dying.

‘A customer in Canada told me her dog was very ill and she would love to be able to have a remembrance of this beloved pet,’ she said.

‘I told her if she was able to get a print, either paw or nose, I would be able to make the piece and cast it for her.

‘She sent me the prints, which happened to be the nose, and I was able to make a belt buckle. When she received the piece she cried because her dog had passed away – but she was able to see the dog through the piece and has a great remembrance of her pet.’

Ms Kaufman insisted the mould has to be on the nose or paw for only a few seconds, so the animal is not distressed.

‘I have sold over 1,700 pieces,’ said Ms Kaufman, from Florida, who charges between £90 and £320 for the jewellery.

‘Each dog nose is different, just like the fingerprint of a person. I can’t tell from the noses what type of dog I am dealing with. I can only tell if it was a small or large dog.’

One word of caution, if you’re getting this done on your nose, make sure to blow it first. You don’t want that lingering booger to define the rest of your life…and beyond.

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Even though my life is great, I always feel there’s someplace better to be. Sometimes it’s as close as the other side of the fence, other times it’s as far away as Europe.

In practical terms this means wanting to whiz on the lightpole on the corner of my street or letting loose a red, white, and blue stream of B20 on the Eiffel Tower.

It all really depends on how ambitious I feel that day.

After reading the Guardian this morning, I think I want to move to the UK. No really, I do.

A pub chain is reaching out to four-legged punters from todayby offering a free doggy menu behind two of its bars.

The Five Alls pub near Lechlade in Gloucestershire and the Catherine Wheel in Goring-on-Thames, Berkshire, aim to have their canine visitors howling with delight at their Dog’s Dinner menu, which provides a choice between dishes such as the delectable sounding Liver & Garden Veg chunks in gravy or Chicken & Beef chunks in jelly.

Owners wanting to give their pets a treat can pick from the Special Fayre menu, where Omega-3 packed salmon chunks will apparently see doggy diners leaving the pub with a “healthy coat and skin”.

The doggy menus will be on display outside the pub and behind the bar, with the idea that dog walkers will treat their pets at the same time as ordering their own pub meal. “Now dog owners can sit down to lunch happy in the knowledge their dog is enjoying their meal as much as they are,” said Caroline Coombs at Butcher’s Pet Care, the company providing the doggy meals.

If the free trial at the two Brakspear pubs is successful, the menus could be rolled out across the chain’s other dog friendly pubs, said Brakspear’s Tom Davies. “Many of our pubs are located near popular walking routes and attract customers out to enjoy the countryside with their four-legged companions,” he said.

Howard Leatherdale’s dog Chyb is – along with his owner – a regular at the Five Alls. “Chyb’s verdict? More tins please,” said Leatherdale. “It didn’t stop him staring forlornly at his empty bowl when I got him home though.”

It wouldn’t stop me from staring forlornly at my empty bowl either, but hey, what do you expect from a fat ass?

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There’s an accusation from my father that his wife, my dear mother, is poisoning him.

Sadly, I agree. How else to explain his shift in attitude from watching Animal Planet every night to watching Dateline, 20/20, or 16 and Pregnant? She’s poisoned him alright, and it’s gone straight to his brain.

But that’s not the kind of poisoning he was alluding to. No, he’s complaining about being compromised by the food she feeds him.

The latest instance revolves around the pine nuts she hid in his salad. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but when they’re imported from China, you have to start asking if it’s intentional. After eating them, everything he’s  eaten has  tasted bitter…and it’s been a week!

Pepperoni Pizza? Bitter.

Key lime pie? Bitter.

His outlook on life? Bitter.

With results like that, I don’t want to take any chances of being fed by mother anymore. My only hope is for a food service like the one in the story below to make it to my neck of the woods.

The van will be serving an ice cream created exclusively for dogs – named, naturally, the K99.

It’s makers say that the dog ice cream contains ‘gammon and chicken ice cream, a traditional wafer cone and the ultimate finishing touch – a crunchy canine biscuit bone.’ Mmmm, gammon and chicken ice cream.

This mixture is supposedly the right combination of temperature, texture and taste to suit dogs, although we’re not sure exactly how this has been established.

The dog ice-cream van is scheduled to tour the UK’s parks throughout the summer, starting with the Boomerang Pets Party in Regent’s Park on July 24th (which is a party for people and pets, apparently).

I’ll take mine without the pine nut sprinkles.

While they spent the week at the beach taking in the sun, the water and gobs of fatty food I was relegated to camp activities where I did my best to steer clear of getting a doggie shiv to the intestines from Bruiser the Pit Bull. For what it’s worth, once I gave him my Milkbone money, the threat was notably reduced.

It still puzzles me why I’m not invited along to their annual pilgrimage to the coast. Last year my brother Logan (RIP my friend) went and this year my sister Patience was along for the ride. Is it that you need to be a damaged pup to get special one on one time? If that’s the case, I’ve had seventeen years of damage.

Of course it was caused by the same lunatics I hope to vacation with, but that’s beside the point.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a big fan of water, but hey, I’m willing to learn. I figure if a dachshund can do it, so can I. Check out today’s story to see why I reference the breed better known as ‘hot dogs’.

A dachshund named Boniface, from Russia’s Far East, has become the first canine professional diver.

Boniface’s owner, Sergey Gorbunov, is a diver himself. He said Boniface was always very nervous when watching his owner plunging. That is why Sergey had the idea of submerging the pet in his favorite pastime.

Boniface has a custom made striped wetsuit, resembling the outfit of a famous cartoon character, the lion of the same name. The only difference in Boniface’s outfit is that his mask has a special inlet for the supply of sausage.

Having taken a special course in the swimming pool, the scuba dog has taken his first professional dive at the depth of 2 meters. However, his owner is sure Boniface is in for even greater professional achievements.

On second thought, maybe camp isn’t so bad after all.

Here’s some video goodness of Boniface in action.