You have to be strategic in your pilfering. For instance, I would never expend my energy sneaking money out of my mother’s purse or the credit cards from my father’s wallet.

Instead, I’ll take stuff that gives me true enjoyment. In my youth that included teddy bears, shoes and dirty underwear. In my senior years it’s taken the form of kitty snickers, cat food and bottles of Bowser Beer.

Of course, not everyone is as smart as me. Just look at the Kiwi burglars from New Zealand in this Stuff story.

Thieves who squirmed off with a 100-kilogram worm farm from Zealandia’s eco-sanctuary may have been after fertiliser for an illegal crop-growing operation, police say.

The Karori sanctuary said the thieves were “two-legged worms”.

Senior Constable Dave Ross said the farm contained more than 8000 worms, was full of compost and would have taken at least two people to carry away. “I’ve never come across anyone who’s taken a worm farm.”

That many worms was the equivalent of the population of a small town. “It’s like someone walking in and pinching Levin. That’s not to say Levin people are worms.”

The purpose-built worm farm was sited behind an administration block.

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He’s deep into a story about kidnapping, extortion and grand theft. Must be he’s reading the Wall Street Journal again, right?.

Not so, it’s the Palm Beach Post and the story involves a cat, a dog and two humans.

A woman from Wellington and a man from Greenacres have been going at it like cats and dogs.

Now the man from Greenacres has both the cat and the dog, and the woman from Wellington has been charged with grand theft and extortion.

The Wellington woman faces two felony charges over allegations she kidnapped Hollar’s cat and left a threatening message.

Greenacres police say she stole the man’s cat because she thinks he has her dog.

She stole the man’s cat to get her dog back?  That’s not a very fair trade.  Maybe if she had taken one of his children, or maybe his wife, then it would have been a fair trade.  But a cat for a dog on a straight up swap? C’mon, the man didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday.

On May 25, Jeff Hollar of Greenacres adopted a black Labrador retriever from Palm Beach County Animal Care and Control, took it home and named it Buddy, according to the police report.

On June 12, he got a call from Linda Urioste of Wellington, who told him that Buddy is actually Scooby, and that Scooby belongs to her.

A week later, Hollar’s 13-year-old gray cat, Mitz, disappeared from his front yard.

Mitz was not a magic cat, so the fact she disappeared was a bit odd. Time would provide an answer.

Three days later, on June 22, he found a message on his answering machine.

“Hi, Hollar residence, this is Linda. You were supposed to call me back regarding my dog Scooby, and I didn’t hear anything,” the speaker said, according to the report. “I was the used-to-be owner, but I was wondering if you were missing a gray pussy cat, because a pussy cat ran out in front of my car not far from your house, and I saved its life. I almost ran him over. So, I was just wondering how you are enjoying Scooby, because I am enjoying your pussy cat. … Have a nice day.”

Mitz was returned to Hollar, and Urioste was charged with two felonies. But Urioste remains defiant.

OK…I’m going to be serious for a moment. Hey Hollar, give Scooby back to the woman and go adopt another fuzzy, loving canine from the pound. We’ll all be better off for it.

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There’s Lassie saving everyone in the midwest from dying in wells, and Hooch handcuffing every perp in his small city, and of course me saving my parents from a life more ordinary.

There are so many pups doing good things I could fill up the entire internet citing them all. But why tell you something you already know.

So that got me to thinking about cat heroes and whether there are any.

There’s Garfield, a dimwitted overweight cat hell bent on capturing more food, however that’s about as heroic as Sallie Struthers rolling a bum for Burger King money. Of course there’s Sylvester P. Pussycat but the only thing he ever saved was his appetite for a defenseless bird. And then you have Catwoman, but the only one I know who thinks she is a hero is the Penguin. And let’s face it, penguins aren’t the brightest bulbs in the pack (have you ever seen March of Penguins?).

Normally I’d now reference a story about how a cat has miraculously saved someone or something, but unfortunately there’s nothing to cite. So, instead, I’ll let you read about yet another heroic dog licking the streets of society free of criminals. The Winnipeg Free Press has the full story.

WINNIPEG – It was a once-in-a-career night for a member of the Winnipeg police force — six arrests in four separate incidents during one overnight shift.

Shortly before midnight on Sept. 26, Const. Scott Taylor and police dog Judge, who have worked together since 2004, tracked down and arrested two suspects in a strong-arm robbery in the North End, and recovered the victim’s property.

The pair then tracked down a suspect in a domestic assault.

Later that night, suspects abandoned a stolen vehicle in The Maples and fled on foot, only to be collared by Tayor and Judge.

Finally, at 6 a.m. on Sept. 27, a man suspected of beating up another man who suffered serious injuries. The suspect took off, but Judge and Taylor found him in a nearby yard and made the arrest.

No word on whether Osama Bin Laden’s cat was caught.

I guess I should clarify that point. I am not a fan but I do enjoy chasing them up trees immensely. In fact I actually caught one a few years back. You’ll be able to read all about it, and my parents’ reaction, in my upcoming book Bad to the Bone.

What you haven’t pre-ordered it yet? C’mon head on over to Amazon and pre-order. You won’t get charged until it ships plus you won’t have to worry about what to read over the holidays. C’mon, there’s only so much turkey and ham to be begged for anyway.

Did I get off topic? It appears I did.  Anyway, chipmunks. Great for chasing, not so great as house guests.  Don’t believe me, then listen to what’s going on in the UK.  The Sun has the story.

A KILLER chipmunk terrorised a family by invading their kitchen and munching their Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

Horrified trucker Bryan Foreman, 50, found the critter with its head in the cereal box.

He and wife Susan fear the rodent is one of the vicious Siberian chipmunks which The Sun last week warned were set to invade Britain.

The creature left Bryan and Susan’s two cats shaking – and they and the family’s dog now can’t go into the garden.

Mum-of-four Susan, 44, from the Isle of Sheppey, Kent, said: “It was terrifying. I’ve never seen anything like it.

“We could hear it banging about in the kitchen and when my husband went in it had its head in the cereal and was munching away.

“My cats are traumatised.”

None too surprising to this impartial observer.

French naturalist Guy Bruel, who issued one of the first Siberian chipmunk alerts, is sure the rodent was one of them.

He warned that other people could find unwelcome guests as the pesky invaders start to get hungry.

Guy said: “They look cuddly and harmless, and this makes them particularly dangerous. If startled they can give a nasty nip, especially when cornered.”

The RSPCA warned that anyone who finds a Siberian chipmunk should contain it in a box or shed then call the Non-native Species Secretariat or Natural England.RECIPES for chipmunks are flooding the web – including kebabs, pies and stews.

I love the web! What to search on first, “Alvin Kebabs” or “Chocolate Chip and Dale Moon Pies”?

This particular breed is big in stature although Logan falls on the small side, or what I like to call a Pocket Berner. You know, because you can put him in your pocket. Granted, it needs to be big enough to carry 82 lbs.

His diminutive size is probably due to him not receiving the appropriate nutrition and care a growing pup needs. That, or his father was a midget.  Either way, he’s small.

Regardless of size, he has a laid back disposition and likes to be a big lazy lug taking up my half of my parents’ bed at night.

So when I read the following story, I wondered how Logan would have reacted to the situation.

Berlin, June 23: A dog in Germany shot by a drunken man with a gun took swift revenge by biting off the end of the man’s nose, authorities said on Monday.

Police said the armed man was snooping at night in the yard of a house in Stadtlauringen in northern Bavaria when he shot the Bernese mountain dog from point-blank range.

Before collapsing, the dog leapt at the 39-year-old man and bit off the end of his nose, a local police spokesman said.

Bleeding profusely, the man called police and was taken for treatment in a nearby hospital. His motives for being in the yard were unclear, police said.

Doctors removed a bullet from the dog’s shoulder and discharged it from a clinic after an operation lasting several hours.

It just goes to show you some canines are nose dogs. As for Logan, I’m pretty sure he’d play the conscientous objector role.

Me? I’m a crotch guy.

I do partake in peanut butter covered pills legally prescribed by humans who’ve spent way too much time in school and not enough time at the dog park. Yeah, I’m talking about vets.

I’ve downed my fair share of rimadyl, cosequin, glucosamine chondroiton, prednosone,  thyroid medication and antibiotics.

And of course there was the incident where I was given a human narcotic by mistake. That adventure I saved for inclusion in my memoir, if only as a cautionary tale to all dogs.

The intent of these pharmaceutical buying binges has been to make me feel better. My parents could have saved their money and just given me an Ice Pup instead. Trust me, those things will make any dog feel great!

When it comes to illicit drug use, I just say no. Sadly, some dogs don’t have the strong willpower I have. Seattle Pi has the latest example.

A dog owner thinks her dog got sick after accidentally eating marijuana at a Seattle park, and the theory may not be so far-fetched, according to police records.

Jack, a Labrador mix, hasn’t had a single health problem since Jen Nestor adopted the stray 11 years ago. But Jack’s recent run through the woods at Seward Park caused quite a scare.

Jack’s owner said on May 17, Jack wandered off for just three minutes on his own. But three hours later, “his head was rocking back and forth his eyes were glassy,” she said.

Nestor is convinced her dog got high on marijuana at the park. She believes the pot must have been stashed somewhere in the green landscape where she unleashed her dog.

Jack’s veterinary bills added up to $1,500. His medical records state he was dizzy, disoriented, staggering left to right and falling over when trying to sit. He also vomited large amounts of plant material and liquid that smells like marijuana.

Three weeks have passed since the incident, and the couple’s friends laugh at what they call a random situation.

The effect on Jack has been dramatic. He now demands to lay on the couch all day, watch  Animal Planet and eat doggie pizzas.

Who does he think he is, Matthew McConaughey’s dog?

“BoBo buddy…let’s trade places for a while. You go to work and I’ll just lay around all day.”

It’s a suckers bet since he only does this when the smell of stress emanates from his pores, or to be more exact-his armpits.

I know, and he knows, that he’s looking to run away and strap poor old me to the bomb that is his career. No thanks.

Realizing he’s on a fool’s errand, he snaps back to reality and cries himself to sleep at night. Hey, at least he’s got me. Well, instead of giving up so easily there is an alternative he could persue. Check it out:

Police in Louisiana arrested a man last Thursday after he was seen eating mud on his hands and knees while growling like a dog.

The 32-year-old man, from Texas, was arrested in Mansfield, Louisiana after construction workers saw him acting like a dog, and a woman who was accompanying him said he had been walking around eating dog food.

While arresting the man, authorities say they found a bottle of PCP, half a pound of marijuana, and a quarter of an ounce of crack in the man’s possession.

He is facing charges of possessing drugs with intent to distribute, and was taken to a local detention centre so that jailers could ‘keep an eye on him.’

I wonder whether that detention center was a dog pound.

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At these times, when my parents offer me a plain old dog biscuit to entice me to sit, I’ll turn and walk away. When they offer me peanuts, I’ll stand there, staring back at them with the “You gotta be kidding me” look. Only when their offer is upgraded to a hot dog will I firmly place my butt on the floor, and if they went upscale with the Nathan’s variety I’ll even offer up a paw.

A couple in Louisiana would do well to follow my strategy for surely they could have gotten a little more in this transaction.

A couple traded their cockatoo and $175 for two children with another woman. All three have been arrested.

Paul and Brandy Romero from Louisiana had offered their cockatoo for sale for 1,500. But they were instead approached by Donna Greenwell who offered two of three children she was looking after to the couple for $2,000.

After some haggling the agreed price was the bird plus $175 for the two children, aged four and five. Greenwell was looking after the kids for a woman who was going through a divorce.

Greenwell, a truck driver, said she needed the money for adoption paperwork. The other child had been placed with a different family.

Just think, a year ago that cockatoo would have gotten you at least three kids. Just another sign this economy is headed for a depression.

That’s right, criminals. They’re not all evil to the core like the ones that kidnap dogs for ransom. No, there are  kinder hearted thugs raping and pillaging this great world of ours too.

But what makes a criminal, a good criminal?

Just check out this story of gun thieves in Jersey and you’ll know the answer.

SOMERVILLE, N.J. – Police believe three men used hot dogs to distract a dog and make off with seven guns.

Police found the raw hot dogs strewn about a Bridgewater home, where a Labrador resided.

Police tracked the hot dogs to a supermarket and officers used surveillance video to identify a suspect.

Ronald Elizondo, of Raritan Borough, along with Franklin Township residents Adrian McKoy and Tyshinue Haskins, are charged with burglary, conspiracy to commit burglary and other offenses.

Me thinks the lab was in on it. How else to explain uneaten hot dogs still strewn about the house?

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I’m not basing this on the financial woes of the world, although I have to admit my 401K treat jar has only half the number of Milkbones in it than it did in September. No, I’m basing my observation on the strange happenings in the world…like people beating up a mouse.

Granted it’s a big mouse, and quite finanically successful to boot, but still that’s no reason to assault it.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I hear of a crime fighting dog getting beat up too! Eye witnesses reported that this dog wore a trench coat and was above average in size too. Coincidence? I don’t know, but still, that’s no reason to pummel him with fists of fury.

If you think I’m making this up, read for yourselves about the mouse and the dog.

DARTMOUTH, Mass. (WPRI) – A Fairhaven man who assaulted a Chuck E. Cheese mascot at a Dartmouth restaurant isn’t going to jail. However, he will have to pay a $500 fine after pleading guilty to assault charges.

Trahan Pires, 34, said he thought the mouse had pinned his 11-year-old son against a video game. That is when Pires ripped off the mascot’s head piece, pointed a finger at him, and began to yell.

The mascot, 19-year-old Jessie Carvalho, said he never grabbed anyone. Instead, he said he put his arms out to get through a crowd of children trying to knock him over.

An eyewitness agreed with Carvalho’s take on the incident.

Ripping a mouse’s head off…that’s disgusting. I thought only cats were capable of that vicious act.

McGruff The Crime Dog, who ordinarily takes a bite out of crime, became a victim of crime recently in Washington, DC.

According to “The Examiner” newspaper, McGruff was passing out crime-fighting leaflets to children over the weekend when a local transit bus drove by.

The driver stopped, got out and delivered a well-aimed punch to McGruff’s face.

The kids screamed and scattered while the assailant hopped back on the bus and drove away.

Police caught up with 38-year-old Shawn Brim a short time later. He’s being tested for drugs and alcohol abuse, while police have charged him with simple assault.

Brim was quoted as saying he was trying to be funny, but his bosses failed to see the humor and say his employment is under review.

It’s funny, until someone loses a milkbone in a financial meltdown.