Bo Knows - He Just Doesn't Listen» Funny Animal News

Bunny Needs Gamblers Annonymous

Bo — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 11:52:50 +0000

You ever notice that a lot of folks love to drink, smoke and gamble? If you don’t think that’s the case, all you need to do is catch a half hour of any show on A/E during prime time.

I admit my family is no different than others and have these issues.

My father is a drinker…of 3 pints of draft beer a week.

My mother is a smoker…of every dinner she’s made this year.

My sister Copper is a gambler…on her farts not killing everyone in the house.

Me? I do what I want. If I want a drink, I go to my bowl of water. If I want smokes, I steal them from Fonzy’s shirt sleeve. If I want to gamble, I ride shotgun with my mother driving.

We all live sinfully. Even rabbits.

The Worcester News has the story of Daisy and her decadent lifestyle.

IT was a case of “slot’s up doc?” for this pub-loving rabbit, who has become addicted to the fruit machine at a Worcestershire pub.

Daisy the rabbit – who is actually a male – even enjoys drinking cider while having a cheeky flutter at the Prince of Wales in Malvern.

Ian Randall, landlord at the Newtown road pub, moved Daisy into the bar two weeks ago to escape the big freeze.

Mr Randall said his bunny hasn’t bugged the locals by hogging the fruit machine and most drinkers have been amazed by his bizarre behaviour.

“He’s quite an inquisitive rabbit, and he keeps on looking at the flashing lights and reaching up to have a go. The locals have to keep a careful watch on where they stand when they are having a flutter, because Daisy is usually right behind them waiting to have a go himself.”

“However, there is a handful of drinkers here who would probably rather put him into a stew though,” Mr Randall said.

Fruit machines are just a gateway platform to Wii addiction.

Job Opening For Duckmaster At Hotel

Bo — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 14:01:54 +0000

It’s tough out there.

Try to get a job in this economy and see how long it takes you.

It’s pert near impossible to get a coveted government, make work job. My brother Goliath is lucky, he has one of those. Not government related but the make work variety.

What’s his job?

Carrying two jars of pickles in his backpack on our daily walks. If that ain’t make work, this dog doesn’t know what is. Fill them up with kibble, kitty snickers, or a dead squirrel and we’re talking about adding real world value, but pickles? C’mon, that doesn’t even sound shovel ready.

A dead squirrel…definitely does…well, at least for the bones.

If one were seriously looking for employment, one would think all the good jobs were already taken. I would agree, or at least I did until I read today’s story.

(WMC-TV) – The historic Peabody Hotel is looking to hire an Assistant Duckmaster.

There are three Peabody Hotels and only six Duckmasters in the world. Jason Sensat is the Memphis hotel’s Duckmaster. Simple scheduling allows him time off.

“I’ve got to spend time with the family,” said Sensat.

Sensat’s assistant is stepping down, and the historic hotel is currently seeking an assistant Duckmaster.

An online job posting requires a high school diploma or equivalent, but a good applicant must also demonstrate the ability to work well with the ducks.

Once on the job, a Duckmaster wows crowds and signs autographs for the fans. They also provide constant care to the ducks.

“It takes a lot of people skills, a lot of patience with animals, and just a strong desire to see people smile,” said Sensat.

Hey, I have people skills, I’m very patient hunting animals, and I love to see people smile. Now I just need to finish getting my GED so I qualify. This job is so close, I can taste it : )

Mental Issues Plague Stuffed Toys

Bo — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 15:24:36 +0000

Listen, I’ve got enough problems of my own without having to deal with the issues of other inhabitants of this lonely planet. Inhabitants like people, pets, and stuffed animals.

Yeah, stuffed animals.

Take, for instance, a ridiculous stuffed bear my brother Goliath plays with every morning. The poor bear is drenched in drool, thrown about the house, and makes a mooing sound.

Mooing as in a cow. What’s wrong with this bear, is he species confused or did he come from the land of misfit toys?

All I know is I’m looking for sleep and all I hear is this bear, er cow. When I doze back into a slumber, I dream of chasing old Elsie in the green pastures of my youth, ready to devour its flank, or ribs, or even tongue.

I get all excited, and for what? A dry bowl of kibble, that’s what. What a let down…each and every morning.

But, back to the bear. Why does it sound like a bovine? Did the Designer of all things misplace his bear-growl sound maker and go with the cheap cow alternative? Or did the Speak and Say toy I had as a pup, teach me the wrong sounds of farmyard animals everywhere?

Who knows, but all I do know is Goliath’s bear isn’t the only stuffed animal with issues. Check these poor German toys out.

The toys range from Dub, a turtle who suffers depression, to Kroko, a crocodile with an acute phobia of water, as well as an hallucinating snake called Sly and a sheep called Dolly who has a personality disorder.

The toys are made by 36-year-old Martin Kittsteiner, of Hamburg, who says: ‘It started as a bit of a joke with my girlfriend, who has lots of soft toys, and then we thought there could be something in the idea.’

He added: ‘Children and grown ups like their vulnerability and find something in them that gives them a great sense of comfort in helping to heal them.’

‘I think some adults see it as a form of therapy for themselves.’

The cuddly toys are sold from the parapluesch.de website – styling itself the Psychiatric Institute for Abused Cuddly Toys – where customers can also play an online game as a doctor trying to diagnose the toys’ problems.

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Queen Loves The Milkman

Bo — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 13:40:13 +0000

I love the bovine class.

I mean, what’s not to like? They’re master billboard climbers, creators of bone hardening drinks, and taste great covered in steak sauce.

Granted there are some things that could improve. For instance, instead of chewing cud they could chew fat. Or how about that dried out softball glove my old man has. Why does H2O affect it even though cows love to spend their time dancing in the rain? And, getting back to the billboards, they could improve on their spelling.

But those are just minor issues. The Indians know it (no, not the native ones, but the billion people ones). They treat moo-moos like gods.

It’s the same attitude a Milkman from the UK has. In fact, he loves spreading the word. Just read the article to find out the lengths he goes.

Mr Fowler arrived wearing a dark suit with white patches sewn on to its front and back, and much of the sleeves covered in white material, in tribute to his favourite animal – the Friesian cow.

51-year-old Mr Fowler also wore a dark tie covered with cows.

The milkman was awarded the MBE for services to the people in and around the Leicestershire town of Melton Mowbray, where he not only delivers milk, but acts as the eyes and ears of the police and helps vulnerable residents on his rounds.

He said: ‘It’s very humbling to be here and a privilege and I regard this MBE as something for all milkmen. Normally they are quiet people – if they do something they don’t want to be recognised – so this is for all of them.’

We will now do some puns.

It is not known if the Queen was amoosed by Mr Fowler’s clothing. Maybe more traditionalist people would think that it was an udder disgrace. We hope he doesn’t have MBSE. He’ll be milking that story for years.

We bet he went out and got slaughtered afterwards.

Jokin’ Jonny Moocow still owes me a video. Add ‘meeting commitments’ to the list of negatives for these spotted creatures.

Barking Up the Wrong Tree

Bo — Wed, 05 May 2010 13:57:23 +0000

Self respect. If you don’t have it, you don’t have anything.

For instance, some male dogs pee sitting down. I know, it’s shameful.

Then there are those pups out there that let themselves get mounted in the dog park? Yeah, right in front of all those wet noses.

Of course there are canines out there that share their dog food bowl with the household cat. At least it’s done behind closed doors, but the damage to the psyche is done nonetheless.

But it isn’t just dogs that fall into the trap of losing their self respect. It happens to bears too. The Metro.UK has the details of the latest incident.

Firefighters had to fit the groggy black bear with a harness then use a ladder to lower it to the ground after it climbed up a tree in a cemetery in Oxnard, California before being tranquillised by Fish and Game department officials.

The bear dozed off in the branches with at least three tranquilliser darts hanging from its side.

The bear had been reported prowling a nearby neighbourhood just after 2 a.m.

It was first spotted in a fire station parking lot, then up a tree in a condominium complex. Two apartment buildings were evacuated as police tried to track the bear down. It eventually climbed over the cemetery wall and headed up the tree, where it was tranquillised.

After it was safely lowered to the ground, Fish and Game experts bundled the bear in a tarpaulin, and police say it will be released in Los Padres National Forest.

Well at least he didn’t get stuck IN the tree like Winnie the Pooh.

Punxsutawney Phil To Lose Job Too?

Bo — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 16:27:55 +0000

After quite some time on this planet what I’ve learned is that everything is replaceable.

My rawhides? Replaced by Greenies.

Those Greenies? Replaced by 100% natural dog biscuits.

And those dog biscuits? Replaced by a whole lotta nothing.

Apparently I’m a fat tub of goo according to my parents, and the vet’s scale. But hey, at least nobody is talking about replacing me.

Unfortunately for Punxsutawney Phil, he can’t say the same. The Metro.UK has the story.

An animal rights group wants organisers of Pennsylvania’s Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in.

According to the longtime tradition, if Phil the groundhog sees his shadow on the Feb. 2 unofficial holiday, then there will be six more weeks of winter. If he does not appear to see his shadow, there will be an early spring.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it’s unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each year in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles (105 kilometers) northeast of Pittsburgh.
groundhog Robots to replace groundhogs?

But William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, says the animal is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.”

Of course, the average child in Pennsylvania is kept in a rabbit hole. These holes typcially don’t have heat, but they do have central air…which is nice during the summer.

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Gun Toting Cow to Hunt Rabbits

Bo — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:15:55 +0000

One of the greatest advertising programs going on right now is the Eat Mor Chickin’ campaign from Chick-Fil-A. Those crazy cows are out there making life hell for chickens everywhere. I respect their chutzpa.

Well it looks like they’re turning those big ole eye balls towards a new critter to harrass. Specifically, the rabbit.

Yahoo News tells us what’s going on in with those mad cows in the UK…

Paul Coppen, 69, who supplies London’s oldest restaurant with pedigree beef, was struggling to keep an army of rabbits from stripping his pastures bare.

So in an attempt to gain the upper hand, he camouflaged his vintage Massy Ferguson tractor as a cow – complete with a firing platform and a gunslit from which to blast the unwary bunnies.

He admitted the disguise – a black and white heifer painted on a wooden board fixed to the side of the vehicle – was not entirely foolproof.

“It has to be said that not all rabbits are entirely fooled. Whereas cattle obviously do move around, trees usually don’t and that may be a problem.”

“I won’t pretend this device is going to be the be all and end all of rabbit control – but it does seem to startle them somewhat and stops them from scampering away too quickly, which give us a chance to have a shot at them.

“Luckily, no cows have been accidentally shot so far and Granite Brain, the stock bull, has not displayed any amorous or belligerent intentions towards the glamorous heifer depicted on the side of the tractor.”

Anybody else think this is a setup for a classic Looney Tunes cartoon with Bugs Bunny?

Here’s some video goodness for your enjoyment…

If you can’t see the video in your RSS feed, then click here.

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Vet Ensures Panda Express Lane Open

Bo — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:52:18 +0000

I’m a regular dog. Regular as in I poop at the same time, in the same spot, every day.

Occasionally my routine is disrupted with a poorly chosen treat from the hands of my parents, or from the garbage pail. Then I either can’t poop or have a chocolate geyser worthy of a best in class chocolate fondue fountain at a wedding.

I bring this up because today’s story is about a panda getting a colonoscopy.

Sure I could have brought up my love for Katie Couric and all she’s done for public poop shoot awareness, but that would be too ordinary of a lead in, and let’s face it, who doesn’t want to hear about my bowel movements?

OK maybe my parents don’t, but they have no choice, especially after a broccoli and cheese dinner.

On to the story.

One of the many advantages of being a panda is that you can have a colonoscopy without drinking gallons of colon-clearing GoLYTELY first.

Tai Shan, the celebrity panda born at the National Zoo, only had to fast for a day before his colonoscopy yesterday.

He underwent the procedure to check whether his digestive tract had healed from eosinophilic colitis, a rare chronic inflammatory bowel condition diagnosed last summer. It seemed to be normal, although the zoo is waiting for biopsy results, according to Carlos Sanchez, the veterinarian who performed the exam.

The procedure started at 7:30 a.m. and required at least 10 staff workers, including doctors and panda trainers, said Suzan Murray, the zoo’s chief veterinarian medical officer.

Murray said he was given medication for his intestinal problems and had the colonoscopy as a follow-up. Doctors also took X-rays and blood for testing as part of a regular checkup.

The trainers coaxed Tai Shan to an area of the Panda House where doctors could get close enough to anesthetize him, Murray said.

I’m thinking this colonoscopy exam is a one and done thing because a coaxing strategy isn’t going to work twice.

Picture courtesy of Jessie Cohen — Smithsonian Institution

What a Nutt

Bo — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:15:34 +0000

I’ve been barking the alarm for years but nobody listened. I’ve felt alone as I’ve chased the problem up trees and down drainage pipes. But despite my best efforts, the world has ignored my efforts.

But when a Nutt brings up the same issue, the world stops and listens.

The issue? Glorified rats running free. The BBC News has the details of the latest incident.

A woman in Northern Ireland says her home has been over-run by grey squirrels.

Oonagh Nutt, from Moira in County Down, says the animals first came into her garden from an adjoining park six years ago, but in the last 18 months they got too close for comfort.

“I thought it was lovely, I called one of them Hazel but then the next thing they’d got into the house,” she said.

Mrs Nutt says the squirrels have caused serious damage: “They chewed their way through my roof in several places, they tunnel through the cavity walls, they live under the floor boards, they go to the toilet in the attic.

“Up close they are quite frightening – they look like puppy dogs with big hands, they growl and bark at you, they’re vicious things. They’ll go for you.

“I have a small child in the house and regularly at night the scratching and chewing and moving about will wake him up.”

Mrs Nutt is unhappy with the attitude of her local council to the pest problem.

“I rang Lisburn City Council three times and have been told in short to go away. They say they’re not a pest so there’s nothing they can do.”

The City Council knows that squirrels are born with the free loader gene. Once you invite them in, you’ll never get rid of them. Game over.

Dead On Arrival

Bo — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:10:26 +0000

Given the state of the world…this story sounds about right.

Employees of a US pet shop expecting a shipment of tropical fish and salt water received a man’s dead body instead.

He says he learned the body was that of a 65-year-old San Diego-area man who died of early onset Alzheimer’s disease.

The body was supposed to go to a research laboratory in Allentown, a 70-mile (113-kilometer) drive away.

US Airways Inc. released a statement saying the air cargo problem was caused by a “verbal miscommunication between a delivery driver and the cargo representative.” The Tempe, Arizona-based airline says it’s deeply sorry.

I wonder if the pet store employees were tipped off when the cargo representative was a fish.

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