During Christmas I always enjoy my mother’s demented, serial killing gingerbread men, her  leaning tower of Pisa pound cake, and most of all the sugar cookies she buys from the Publix bakery.

Overall, I’d say my favorites are peanut butter cookies, liver flavored cupcakes and bone marrow muffins. MMM, mmm, good.

Of course my cullinary exploration must stop at the border of Chocolate City. Many a pup has ventured in, but not one has come out.

Maybe that’s where the myth of the Great Brownie comes from. That most elusive moist, succulent dough forever infused with pecans and deep, dark chocolate that every dog is instinctively drawn to. Maybe.

Or maybe it’s just a segway into a story about a daffy duck named Brownie who got himself into a little bit of trouble. The Telegraph has the story.

Brownie, a four month-old Aylesbury cross khaki-Campbell, was found wedged in the overflow tube at her home in Chalford Hill, near Stroud, Gloucestershire.

Chris and Karen Hutchens dialled the county fire service’s out-of-hours number on Saturday morning after their daughter Ellen, 13, begged them to get Brownie out.

”It was such a relief when a fire engine turned up and they started digging the hole, the pipe was about 4ft underground but they kept going, they were wonderful and really went beyond the call of duty.

”Brownie is so much a part of our family and so it is amazing that she made it, I really didn’t think we would get her out.”

The family first grew concerned on Friday when Brownie didn’t come up from the pond with their five other ducks.

They first thought she had been eaten by a fox, until a friend clearing the pond heard a quack from the bottom of the overflow pipe.

A fire service spokeswoman confirmed that the crew arrived just before 9.30am and had rescued the duck unharmed by 3.40pm.

The team dug a trench to reach the pipe and get the duck out.

I give credit to these fine firemen. Sure it took six hours to rescue the duck but in the end they managed to get a brownie a dog could finally eat, and live to tell about.

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Even a fun loving, outgoing and lovable mutt like me had to have a couple of goes at it before landing my forever folks, but I was lucky.

Imagine being a duck and being adopted by a horse. That’s right, an equine.

That got me to thinking, what if that was me in that situation? How much fun could cuddle time be if I’m worried about my safety? Let’s be honest, once Mama Secretariat rolls over, I’m dead.

What about primping time before heading out to talk up the local chihuahuas? Well, I’ve never seen a hoof that can hold a furminator, or be able to spray a healthy dose of Old Spice on my neck.

How about a smooth stroke of my fur? I’d be afraid the leg coming my way was a kick to the head.

On the upside, I guess a horse could teach me how to kick field goals, or better yet, the ability to poop anywhere without repercussions.

The Metro has the duck and horse story.

Champion horse Topper took the ducklings under his wing – well, hoof – after allowing their mother, Lola, to lay a dozen eggs in his stable.

He kept watch over them for a month before they hatched and then scared away foxes and dogs that got too close.

‘Far from being upset, Topper really likes his little duck family,’ said Kim Stevens, yard manager at the stables in Milland, West Sussex.

‘He was in and out of the stable all the time but every time he came back in, the first thing he did was look around to make sure they were still there.’

It is thought Lola moved in with Topper after her last lot of eggs were eaten by a fox. Before the new batch hatched, staff moved them to a safe corner of the straw so Topper, who was recently ridden to victory at the British Open Indoor Cross Country, did not accidentally squash them.

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I’ve run into a tree, been mounted by a miniature poodle, and caught failing to wash my paws after I peed. They’re momentary transgressions that we all hope will pass into the dustbin of history. Of course that assumes no pictures were taken.

Now I read about a bear, a jug and a tight squeeze…and 0h, a camera.

If you ask me it’s a bit derivative of Winnie the Pooh, but WMTW claims to have the truthful story behind the picture.

State biologist Forrest Hammond, along with some help from firefighters and police, spent about 45 minutes Sunday afternoon getting the old-fashioned milk jug off the 120-pound bear’s head, according to Vermont Fish and Wildlife spokesman John Hall.

The bear was found meandering through the woods, bumping into boulders and trees with the milk jug stuck on its head.

Hammond had to tranquilize the bear and first tried to soap up his head and pull the milk jug off, but that didn’t work and he eventually had to use metal shears to get it loose.

“He was probably out on his own this spring, and desperate for food, and made a mistake,” Hall said.

That’s what I tell the old man when it’s chow time. Hey, it takes just as much effort to think small as it does big. Might as well go after the big prize, I say.

Apparently somebody forgot to tell God to do the same when he brought Einstein into this world.

CNM News has the full details on the little guy.

This miniature horse is just one week old and is already in the running to be the world’s smallest horse. Einstein was born April 22, weighing only six pounds and standing at just 14 inches, reports Tonic. That’s seven inches and 12 pounds smaller than the average, according to the Concord Monitor.

The wee little foal was born in New Hampshire, at Tiz A Miniature Horse Farm and while breeder Judy Smith knew Einstein was tiny, she was surprised to learn that he has a shot at a Guinness World Record. (The current record holder is a chestnut mare named Thumbelina, who was 11 inches tall and 8.5 pounds when she was born in 2001.)

Despite his eensy-weensy stature, Einstein appears perfectly normal and healthy. He was born three days after his due date, and, according to the Concord Monitor, is perfectly proportioned.

The folks who bought and named Einstein — Rachel Wagner and Charles Cantrell — did so in part to keep the petite pinto out of “some kind of circus thing,” reports the Concord Monitor. They’re focused on the animal’s quality of life, and hope that by naming him Einstein, they can put a spotlight on the wisdom of supporting farms, such as Tiz, where the goal is a healthy horse and not on breeding the tiniest pet possible.

Here’s the little guy in full video glory…

Just take a look at the picture in the header of this blog. No, not the Amazon advertisement, but to the left, that handsome dog in the Darth Vader outfit. That’s right, that’s me, not some overpaid dog model.

I’ve been many things over the years ranging from a pumpkin monster, a gay cowboy and a dinosaur with a caveman on his back. I love to dress up, if only to entertain my parents. I figure it’s the one time of year I can ‘give back’, although I do have boundaries.

Last year I heard the old man talking about getting me a Princess Leia costume, and then chuckling uncontrollably. Well that ain’t gonna happen, ever. Well, at least not in public.

One thing I have no desire to dress as is a bunny. Yeah, like an Easter rabbit. A potato head in Idaho begs to differ with that desire.

Salmon, Idaho – Police in Idaho Falls have told a man to stop wearing a bunny suit in public after people complained he has been frightening children.

Residents in the northwestern US city of 54 000 people also reported William Falkingham, 34, occasionally wears a tutu with the bunny suit, police said in a statement on Tuesday.

Police warned Falkingham after a woman said she saw him dressed in the costume, peeking at her young son from behind a tree and pointing his finger like a gun.

While a police report said other residents were “greatly disturbed” by his activities, one neighbor defended Falkingham as eccentric but otherwise harmless.

“He’s got the bunny outfit, a cowboy suit and a ballerina dress but you don’t see him except where he’s tripping through his backyard,” Deborah Colson told Reuters. “He’s got a strange lifestyle at home but we all do weird things at home.”

Falkingham told officers he “enjoys wearing the suit” but understands the concerns and that he could be cited as a public nuisance, police spokeswoman Joelyn Hansen said. – Reuters

Apparently taking care of four dogs and one cat has them feeling a bit claustrophobic. It probably hasn’t helped that all of us, except Mothball the cat, left the house for dog school only to come back and live with them again. Hey, that’s how dogs roll.

My father is forced to walk us in the morning, at night, and if we’re lucky truck us over for a stint at the dog park. My mother takes the time to clean our rooms, our bowls and our litter boxes.

I’m not sure who’s got the better deal, but I do know I’d clean the litter box for free.

They’ll get over it. If not, I’ll just take a dump in a shoe. That always seems to throw some excitement into their lives.

At least we’re not dangerous. Just ask a couple in Australia how awful it is when a thug like wallaby moves into the neighborhood.

A KOORALBYN family say they are prisoners in their own home ever since a rampaging wallaby moved into the neighbourhood.

Julie Bambrick said an unusually aggressive pretty-faced wallaby – dubbed Wacker by the family – had terrorised her 11-year-old grandson Reece, bowled over her husband Virgil and bit him on the face, and hissed, snarled and scratched at her whenever she ventured into her garden.

She said the family had been attacked while putting the rubbish out, going to the car and even just stepping out the front door.

“I’m scared to go outside,” Ms Bambrick said. “I won’t go out into the garden because I’m terrified this crazy wallaby is going to come and have another go. The kids won’t go out and play because they’re too frightened.”

“It just sits outside the house and eye-balls us,” she said. “It’s a big one  up to my chest in height  and we’re all terrified of it. My biggest fear is it could really hurt a child and there are plenty of children along this street.”

She even contacted the Queensland Parks and Wildlife Service, which told her to fill a watergun with dye to try to mark the problem animal but even that had proven challenging.

“It didn’t work. It started attacking me and I had to try and defend myself by beating it away with the watergun.”

Hello? Haven’t they heard the old adage, “Never bring a watergun to a kangaroo fight”?

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To every animal the story of Noah’s Ark holds a certain charm to it. What other ‘tail’ do you know that proactively hooks up animals with each other?

When I hear the story, I put myself in the position of the male dog asked to be a passenger on Noah’s Love Boat. After being served a bowl of water by Isaac (he’s one of the human servants on board), I head back to my cabin. There, a foxy little Wheaton Terrier  awaits my arrival. Our job is simple. To procreate.

I move in to playfully nip at her collar when  . . .  *BAM*, I realize I’m a neutered male.

I don’t even have neuticals for show.

Oh well, who gets to live out their dreams these days, anyway? Certainly no pup I know. But there is a human who is, and he could be Noah’s descendant. Check out his story.

Johan, 52, has been building the ark for three years, after dreaming that a part of Holland was flooded.

The Dutchman decided to build a replica according to ancient measurements laid out in the Bible, with the Book of Genesis describing the ark as 300 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 50 cubits wide.

With a cubit roughly the distance between the elbow and the fingertips, this translates to 150 metres long, four storeys high and 25 metres wide.

Life-sized plastic replicas of various animals are scattered on board the ship, with a total of 1,600 different species on board.

The ark will also boast sleeping quarters, a theatre and stage, a restaurant and conference facilities, with Huibers opening his ‘Bible museum’ by the end of the year.

That’s one sweet ride.

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I say that as a graduate of one of the premier dog academies in the country, Fire Hydrant U.

I know sit, stay and heel. Command me to go pee pee, poopie or stop licking and I’ll do it. I’ll give paw, roll over and bark for anyone who wants.

But what do you expect from a  dog whose IQ is in excess of 12?

Maybe it’s because I’m not threatened by finding an intellectual superior to me that I highlight today’s story of a chimp trying to better himself. Ynet News has the story.

Students at Al-Quds University in the Gaza Strip were surprised to see an unusual guest at their lecture room on Saturday – a chimpanzee who had escaped from a nearby zoo, Palestinian news agency Maan reported.

University sources said the chimp entered the lecture hall through a window left open and even listened to the lecture.

One of the university workers told the French news agency, “We were very surprised to see the chimpanzee who escaped from the zoo right next to us. It entered the university lecture hall and jumped into the meeting room. It caused shock, but also surprise, among the students.”

According to reports in Gaza, some of the university’s female students screamed as they spotted the ape in the room.

The chimp will not be able to take any courses, however, after being captured by zoo workers with the help of the campus’ security officers and returned to its cage.

We can only hope the chimpanzee implements his plan for peace in the region.

Take my old man, for instance. There was a time, right after he graduated college, when he lived with two other guys. They were young, strong, and unafraid of the curveballs life throws at you.  In short, they were naive children, in grown up bodies.

One day, a bat happened to find its way into their humble abode. They sat watching TV when the bat made its appearance. What followed was a scream fest you hear from a pack of six year-olds when you take their lollipops away.

These so called men ran for their lives, and the door, all the while screaming bloody murder at the top of their lungs.

And about what? A tiny little bat.

What ensued was a 12 hour standoff, with the ‘men’ sleeping under blankets while all the windows and doors lay open. To this day, all three have yet to regain their self respect.

Anyway, that’s the story that came to mind when I read about today’s squirrel tale from KVS12.

BENTON, IL (KFVS) – A Benton, Illinois man got a shock of a lifetime when he flushed his toilet Tuesday.

“I flushed my toilet, it made a funny noise,” Jeff Shockley said.  ”I flushed a second time and the squirrel came up and I freaked out. I screamed and slammed the door.”

he said.

Shockley says he can laugh now about the ordeal, but adds that wasn’t that case Tuesday morning.

If you want to read about a great squirrel story, don’t forget to read Chapter 22 of my book Bad to the Bone titled “Ain’t Gonna Be No Rematch.”

That’s why I like taking good, healthy-sized dumps in the back yard.

Of course that usually means a big mess out back, but that’s not my problem.

I always tell my parents if they don’t want me eating it, to bag it before it ripens into a tasty treat. Or, if they don’t want to step in it, to bag it up and send it to its forever home.

I never thought about where my extract goes after I’ve finished processing it, but this story suggests there is a place called poo-heaven.

Boston officer Lt. Rick Santangelo said yesterday that the woman, whose name has not been released, admitted tossing doggie dung at the driver because she believed he was speeding.

He said the woman initially contacted police last week and reported that she was walking her dog when she saw the motorist nearly hit a man on a bicycle.

Santangelo said the motorist contacted police the next day to report being struck in the face with dog feces.

The woman was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, vandalism to property and disorderly conduct.