A dog’s well documented skill set includes super smelling senses, super gulping power and super poo that heals the young. But what if that’s not enough for us, if we want to be better than that?

I know what I’d want. I would add to my repertoire x-ray vision, if only to see under the flirtatious Shaggy Dog’s coat that prances around my neighborhood. I know that sounds wrong, and it probably is, but I tell it like it is.

What if you want to see what’s happening in the other room but your creaking bones keep you from getting up? Zaaapp…use the x-ray vision.

Want to see what’s in the fridge? Zaaap…use the x-ray vision and see if the date on the bacon is indeed from the last century.  Ahh, so many practical uses!

Well, a terrier in New York has decided on a different specialty. Flying. The Tribeca Trib has his story.

“I call him my miracle dog,” Sarann Lindenauer said as she held her 4-year-old terrier Alfie, careful not to put pressure on his bruised chest and bandaged leg. “I’m just so thrilled he’s okay.”

A miracle indeed. Just a few bruises, a sore paw and a cut lip were all that Alfie suffered recently when a heavy wind apparently blew the dog off of Lindenauer’s 11th floor terrace in Tribeca’s Independence Plaza and onto the roof of a townhouse in the complex, five stories below and some 30 feet to the east.

Lindenauer said Alfie usually avoids the terrace and only goes onto it briefly when it’s thundering or otherwise noisy outside. “Then he’ll bark and run back in,” she said. “I’m thinking that wind just took him because he doesn’t jump.”

Had the wind not whipped Alfie towards the townhouse, he would have landed on the concrete plaza, three stories farther down.

Lindenauer said she knew something was amiss when she returned from grocery shopping on the stormy afternoon of May 3 and Alfie did not run to the door.

“I was walking around calling ‘Alfie, Alfie, Alfie.’ I looked under the bed, but he never hides.”

Her terrace at 80 North Moore Street overlooks an elevated plaza. Stepping to the terrace wall, she recalled the terrible sight of a dog thrown from the building to its death during a rage of domestic violence years ago. Now she feared that Alfie would be there.

“I didn’t want to see him but I looked,” she recalled.

What Lindenauer did not know was that her dog was already in the lobby of the building, bruised, slightly bleeding and soaking wet but otherwise just fine. A neighbor on the 7th floor, Jessica Gould, had rescued him from the roof where he had landed.

“I looked out of my window and I see this little dog running up and down the roof in the pouring rain and I started to panic,” Gould recalled. “I was terrified the dog was going to jump off the roof because he looked so panicked. He looked really desperate.”

After first calling building security, Gould discovered a door that led directly to the townhouse roof. She grabbed Alfie and took him downstairs where the doorman, Ron Russo, wrapped him in a blanket.

Learning that her dog was in the lobby, the relieved owner went downstairs to retrieve him.

“I was looking at him and there was no recognition on his part,” she said. “I think he was in shock.”

A vet determined that Alfie had no broken bones. Bruises on a leg and underside indicated that he probably landed on his stomach.

“At the vet, they called him Alfie the Aviator,” Lindenauer laughed.

Nor has the owner completely recovered. “I’m still in shock,” she said. “I can’t believe it happened.”

The Wright Brothers’ two dogs, Wing and Prayer, couldn’t be prouder.

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Thank goodness for air conditioning. Whatever you do, don’t listen to those nutbags that want us to stop using it.

There are times when we do need to leave the comfy confines of our homes, and as dogs we can only hope our owners are careful to monitor our heat index when out and about in the family car.

I probably shouldn’t bark this, but if it’s too hot our owners may want to reconsider taking us. Unless they take us into the pet supermarket, the butcher’s shop or the liquor store, is there a point in even going?

Look at what happened to one poor dog when his owners forgot about him.

UPPER MACUNGIE TWP., Pa. — As we deal with these dog days of summer, pet parents are urged to take precautions.

But one local Labrador helped himself get out of a scorching situation by taking matters into his own “paws.”

Eleven-year-old Max is not just a dog. He’s like another member of Donna Gardner’s family.

Donna ran an errand and took Max with her.

When she came home a short time later, she went inside the house, forgetting Max was still in the car.

I came in and started cleaning and about an hour later I heard a horn blow, said Donna.

She went outside, but didn’t see anybody.

So, I came back in the house and I started cleaning again and the horn blew again, said Donna.

This time, Donna saw Max sitting in her driver’s seat.

I rushed over and got him out real fast and he was panting like crazy, said Donna. I brought him in the house and he just dropped to the floor.

Donna gave him water and cooled him down with cold, wet rags.

Her daughter called the vet, who tells us Max was a little weak, a little slow but otherwise okay.

I don’t know whatever made me forget he was with me, said Donna.

Max is a smart one. His owner, not so much.

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I love that joke. It’s only second in my repertoire to; How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card.

Alright, I admit it. I love corny jokes. You want some more?

Why does the Pillsbury Doughboy wear an apron?

To hide his doughnuts!

Here’s another:

How do you get four giraffes into a car?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get four Elephants into the car?

Make the giraffes get out.

Or how about this one:

Those are mighty large ears you have there. You know what that means?

No.

Big ear muffs.

Which, it turns out, is a perfect intro to today’s story.

Harbor the hound has got himself an earful of praise after earning the Guinness World Record for having the longest ears of any living dog.

The black and tan Coonhound lives in Boulder, Colorado, in the US, and at first his giant ears caused quite the headache as a small puppy.

Harbor’s owner Jenifer Wert said he would often trip over his floppy ears and slide down the family home stairs.

Now eight years old and fully grown, Harbour is able to walk around without much fuss – except when he goes for a walk in the park.

‘Cars will literally stop in the street to take a closer look and get a picture,’ exclaimed Jenifer.

When measured by officials Harbor’s ears were 12.25 inches (31.1 cm) for the left ear and 13.5 inches (34.3 cm) for the right.

The extra-long ears displayed on most hounds, particularly the Coonhound, are used not for hearing but primarily for smell. Harbor uses his ears close to the ground to sweep odours up into his nose.

 

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That’s a comment that will never pass the jowls of anyone describing me. I’m a working class mutt that likes to get his paws dirty at the dog park, and then down a 12-pack of Bowser Beer on the ride home. Granted, the chick-truck I travel in doesn’t have a gun rack but at least it isn’t pink.

In short, I’ll never be confused with a Shiu Tzu or a Yorkie or a member of the Thundercats. I’m too proud for that.

Funny thing is, I always thought bloodhounds felt the same way about themselves. Turns out they have traitor in their midst. The Herald Sun has the details.

A nose of breeding and distinction sets Miss Louisa Belle apart from the pack. The seven-year-old red bloodhound has such a superior sense of smell that she has been trained to detect tainted corks affecting wine.

“She just has to sniff a barrel of wine to know whether it is off,” Mr Fischl said. “Most wineries rely on the human nose but that is time-consuming, costly and nowhere near as reliable as Belle, whose nose is 2000 times more sensitive than ours.”

Instead of sniffing corks, they decided to train their dog, who was becoming destructive around the house. Coming from a line of search-and-rescue dogs, Belle is particularly sensitive to smell and can even detect a tainted wine through the bottle.

Miss Louisa Belle can detect faulty corks before they are inserted in bottles as well as corks that have broken down when wine has been stored. She can also detect mildew leaf on vines.

The only wine you’ll get from me is when I’ve been left inside too long. A boy needs to go outside and tend to his business.

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I just found this news article about my latest efforts to save the world from itself.

Bo Hoefinger, the dog best known as the author of Bad To The Bone: Memoir of a Rebel Doggie Blogger, has offered his services to clean up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

As has been clearly documented, dog hair soaks up the oily remnants of drilling platforms gone bad better than sponges, handy wipes, and even wildlife. Quite simply, dog hair is to oil as paper towels are to pee in a living room.

With everyone getting angry at the lack of success in containing the oil spill, Hoefinger decided to do something about it.

“I’m not here to point a paw at anybody. Not British Petroleum, not the government, and not even Charlie, the local tomcat. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any Irish Setter in my bloodlines; you know how much they like to point their paws.

“But when I saw the great work that was being done by the Matter of Trust folks in getting pet hair to help clean up the spill, it spurred me to action. Besides, if I want to be the ambassador for shelter dogs, shouldn’t I help out too?”

And that’s what he offered to do.

“I like swimming. I like the gulf. I’d like to go swimming in the Gulf and soak up some sun, and a bunch of premium grade oil. How could anyone refuse my offer?”

Aides to Portuguese Water Dog in charge Bo Obama, are said to be sniffing through the proposal before making any public comments.

Hoefinger likes his prospects although there is some disagreement among environmentalists as to whether the blogging dog’s idea is a good one.

Mothball Morris from The Cat Litter Disposable said, “The question you have to ask yourself is whether Bo will do more harm than good. Read his book and you’ll find he has a propensity to cause more damage than intended.

“What’s to keep him from peeing in the gulf, or worse, pooping in it? This could lead to two environmental disasters rather than just the one we’re dealing with now.”

Ultimately it comes down to approvals; the first from Bo Obama and the administration, and the second from Bo’s parents.

Bo’s mother main concern is safety and wonders whether it will impede the amount of help he can actually give.

“If he’s to be safe, which means not swimming until an hour after he’s eaten, he’ll never have enough water time to do any good. Bo is a snacker and he needs his Milkbone (the big ones) every hour and a half. You do the math,” she said.

Although a gracious offer, Hoefinger does have concerns.

“I know I’ll be very tired from the swims, but I’m more worried about my hair. The oily, grunge look may work in Seattle, but in my home town the bitches like the Justin Bieber poofy hair look. With Bieber fever infecting the canine community, it will be tough, but I’m committed to the cause.”

Time will tell whether Bo will be allowed to help those humans unable to help themselves. If not, he urges everyone to help the cause and work with the Matter of Trust folks today.

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Take for instance the wheel, sliced bread or the internet. They made their inventors gazillions upon gazillions of dollars.

What? You say, they didn’t make their inventors anything?

Hmmm…well, then how about the pet rock? Now that was a great idea.

Making money is even easier if you have four legs and are artistically inclined.  Heck you can just paint your way out of the dog house and into a dog mansion. That’s what a dog named Ziggy is doing.

Check out his story from the Metro.

Rembrandt. Monet. Picasso. Van Gogh. To these great names, you can now add another: that of Ziggy, a three-year-old Pekingese dog who has taken the art world by storm.

Well, okay, not really. But he does make paintings, which real people actually buy, for money.

Ziggy, who lives with his owner Elizabeth Monacelli in southern California, creates his masterpieces with the aid of a paper towel roll, which is attached to a paintbrush. Grasping the roll in his teeth, he creates abstract (i.e. blobby) works of art.

Monacelli, a violin instructor, says that Ziggy manages an average of three brush strokes each painting session, before curling into a ball and snoring. Clearly, he is a perfectionist.

‘He does have an extremely artistic temperament compared to other dogs I own,’ Monacelli says. She also says that she usually plays him Chinese Quigong music to help get him in the artistic mood.

Ziggy’s artworks have fetched up to $250 (around £170) at auction, with the money going to animal rescue organisations.

I wonder what my art work would fetch in an auction. The prize piece, simply called “Poo on Canvas”, would undoubtedly make me a millionaire.

It’s a skill that allows some to be better than others.

We’ve all experienced moments of intense concentration, where both time and space cease to exist. For me this mostly happens when there’s a beef stroganoff frozen dinner being cooked.

For others, this zen-like state is brought on by the thrill of a hunt.

That’s my theory anyway, for there isn’t any other way to explain this story.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – A Tennessee family’s young hound dog may turn out to be quite the bird dog.

“Buford”, a 5-month-old hound mix, had to be rescued by utility crews after somehow climbing to the top of a 20-foot tree in his family’s Knoxville yard.

No one saw Buford make his way up the tree, but by the time his rescuers returned him to the ground a small crowd had gathered.

Tyler Wilson, Buford’s owner, says he’s never seen anything like it.

Climbing trees isn’t just for cats anymore, and if I have my way they won’t be the only ones pooping in the house either.

Here’s the video of the rescue:

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I’m not saying I should be confused with some of the whack jobs in the industry, because I gotta be honest, I’m not going to whack off my ear to show the world how ‘brilliant’ I am. In my case, I’m just going to let my art speak for itself.

That art, as all of you should know by know, is the art of writing. Specifically the writing of the literary classic, and autobiography, “Bad to the Bone, Memoir of a Rebel Doggie Blogger“.

Or how about this:

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Ok, I plagiarized that last line from my typing teacher, but everything in my autobiography is original…and true!!

Anyway, other pups have different talents, and unfortunately for some it comes because of suffering. Such is the case of Tucker, a painter, who hails from Cleveland, Oh.  Cleveland.com has his tale.

Such is the case with Tucker, a German shepherd who ran loose, dragging a large bolt and chain, through rural Ohio for months until he was down to a bony 49 pounds. After being rescued, Tucker ended up in Lakewood with permanent foster parents Jim Lasher and Kara Vlach-Lasher.

Sweet and gentle, Tucker suffers from the canine equivalent of multiple sclerosis and cannot raise his leg to pee. As a result, he leaves elaborate and visually interesting trails on the sidewalk.

Seeing their beauty, Vlach-Lasher has captured them in photographs. These compositions will be featured in “PEE-ces of Art, by Tucker” a fund-raiser/art show on Sunday, March 7, at Bela Dubby in Lakewood.

With Vlach-Lasher acting as interpreter, Tucker recently answered some questions from PDQ’s John Campanelli.

How do you discover that relieving yourself physically could also mean relieving yourself artistically?

It was clearly a spontaneous discovery. I guess you could say it arose out of a “stream of consciousness.”

What types of other art did you dabble in before you discovered your talent for tinkle trails?

I briefly experimented with biscuit mosaics, but I could never finish a complete work before nibbling away at it.

“Tinkle trails” seems a bit unsophisticated; what’s the proper name that describes your artwork?

“PEE-ces of Art, by Tucker,” although I do like “tinkle trails.” Can I use that?

What is your inspiration?

Not to place blame on my birth parents, but I’ve had a rough life and was never able to express myself the way I wanted to. Now that I am older, a senior dog, in fact, I find that life is inspiration enough.

Your streams are elaborate; what guides you as you work?

Since my condition makes me unstable at times, I am guided by gravity. Some days I wobble more than others and then I get really creative. Just the other day I created a piece that looked like Dick York.

Who or what is your muse?

You know, there is this cute little poodle down the street . . . Other times, it’s just too much water.

How long do you consider the composition, the location and everything else before putting paint to canvas, so to speak?

My work is very spontaneous. When the mood strikes, I must compose. I didn’t consider the location as much when I first began in this medium. Once I created on the carpet! That’s when I learned from my mom the three things that matter most when generating a new work: location, location, location.

Are there hazards to doing your type of artwork?

Sometimes I get the feeling the other dogs in the neighborhood look at me funny and think I am showing off.

You knew this question was coming, of course: Do you sign your artwork?

Yes I do, but only other dogs are able to read it. Sorry, humans. But I think the folks in my neighborhood see the distinctiveness of each piece and identify it as an original Tucker. I’d be happy to put a paw print on one of the photographic prints at my art show for you.

Hmmm, maybe I should start selling my dumps as artwork. If Tucker can create a likeness of Dick York with pee, a poo clone of Elizabeth Montgomery shouldn’t be a problem. Unless I’ve had lots of cheese.

Don’t get me wrong I’m pro Harley, and motorcycles in general, but if I have an opportunity to recycle a joke then, by golly, I’m going to do it.

My mother on the other hand is not a fan of motorized cycles of the two wheel variety. I know she’s forbidden my father to get one. It’s not because of safety concerns, but rather the fear he’d ride around town side saddle.

I’m with her. Can you imagine if he wanted to take me along for a ride? Not only would the dogs in town be woofing in laughter at me, but a chorus of cat meow snickering would surely follow!

Fortunately for a dog named Opee, he’s got an owner with a motorbike, an adventurous side and the foresight to ride like a man. The LA Times has the full story.

PERRIS, Calif. — Opee is only 8, but he’s already a popular veteran in the down and dirty sport of motocross.

He can pull 6 Gs. He’s been the centerfold for Cycle News and poses regularly for fan photos. He’s a survivor of the grueling Baja 500 and has racked up more than 10,000 hours on a dirt bike.

Sometimes, you can barely see the 70-pound pooch — a blue merle Australian shepherd — through the dust on his goggles and his custom helmet, complete with cam.

“I am his biggest fan,” said Mike Schelin, Opee’s owner, race partner and a purveyor of used motorcycle parts from a shop next to his mobile home.

Known as “The Dogfather” to some in the sport, Schelin always takes a back seat to Opee.

“He was my instant best friend,” Schelin said. “He slept in my tool bag. There was something about him. He’s had charisma since Day One. I knew I had a dog who could make a difference.”

So Schelin bought a four-wheeler and they went desert riding together. The dog didn’t like the dust in his eyes, so Schelin got him goggles. One day, Opee ditched the four-wheeler and hopped on the motorcycle tank, where he’s been ever since, Schelin said.Reaction to Opee was magic. He was an instant canine ambassador to off-roading. Finding sponsors was no problem and soon Opee had his own custom gear, including a specially made neck brace, inflatable vest, backpack, water supply and several jerseys.

Opee and Schelin race, but not to win. Because they’re different and for safety’s sake, they always start in the rear and they only compete with the cyclist in front of them, Schelin said.Even the most skilled motocross racer has a plaster cast past and Opee is no exception. His worst crash came in the 2006 Baja 500.

“We took a spill at 75 mph in the dirt and went into a 40-foot skid,” Schelin said.

The dog isn’t attached to the bike or Schelin in any way. He skinned his nose and scraped his paw. Schelin sliced his leg. The injuries weren’t enough to put them out of the race though.

“I would never do anything to hurt my dog,” Schelin said. “Opee keeps me in check at all times. If he doesn’t jump up on the bike, we don’t go.”

Interesting that there is no mention of Schelin’s first dog, Opoo the skydiving dog.

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A Chinese dog has performed a breathtaking high wire stunt in front of thousands of spectators. The two-year-old Tibetan mastiff called Hu Hu (Tiger) performed the stunt at a special event to showcase dog tricks in Chongqing city.

I find it hard to believe that any dog named Tiger can pull off anything other than being a mediocre canine actor in a mid 70′s television show. So my expectations were kinda low until I saw the picture.

They watched as he climbed to the top of a four metre platform and balanced along two thin steel wires. Spectators held their breath and occasionally called out “slow down, slow down” to Hu Hu. He paused occasionally before completing the 10 metre walk to the other end.

Whoa, a tight rope walking dog? Now that is a pretty good trick. Sure it doesn’t compare with my trapeze act, without a net I might add, but it certainly comes close.

The dog’s owner, Mr. He, says Hu Hu was a gift from a friend. He trained Hu Hu for more than a year to walk across wires, reports Chongqing Business News.

I guess that makes the dog’s real name, Hu Hu He. I’m sure the neigborhood pack has some fun with that.

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